I don’t sleep much anymore. Most my night is guilt, worrying, cuddling, and sitting around thinking is everyone ok. There are a few scenarios in which I do sleep. One being when Mondo is home and not snoring. Something about the comfort of him and maybe cause he is my natural heating blanket.
Currently it’s 4:30 am. I am awake because Brody. And I just heard sirens. So I checked Pulse Point (an app to track my hubby) ok it’s really to track calls and where fires and medical calls are located, but I just use it to track Mondo in the middle of the night. He’s on his way to a medical call it says. Which now my head goes to what if it’s a tough call what if it’s one that will wear heavy on him and his partner. Then I hope that it’s just a quick call and they don’t have to follow to hospital. Because I know he’s tired and has been working straight for 4 days. But I’m also happy he will be home finally this morning at 8. This is when I have guilt that keeps me up. When this happens at 1 or 3 am. I just can’t go back to sleep. Cause I feel extremely guilty in this big bed where I can sleep all night (even though I don’t) and he is taking calls and losing sleep. I feel bad and usually just don’t sleep cause of that. Alot of times we text when he is up at night cause he can’t sleep. And he doesn’t realize that I can’t either knowing he can’t.
Brody is currently in my bed right now. This is one of my favorite reasons why I can’t sleep. He’s 9 but still the baby. He will always be the baby. He is currently babbling some gibberish. He also has an arm and a leg over me. The hand and arm may be over my throat slightly chocking me but that’s ok. I still love hearing him breath holding him and cuddling him. Cause I know this will not last so I will take it and stay up for it as long as I can.
Caleb sleeps in my bed too sometimes when Mondo is gone. He holds my hand. He’s 12 and I know that is gonna fade away even sooner. I have lost the cuddles and warmth of sleeping next to Nicky the 16 yr old and Jacob the 14 yr old. Man I miss the days they would all crowd in my bed and I couldn’t sleep because of no room.
Worrying. Oh my goodness. Worrying. It’s non stop day and night but during the sleeping hour it’s the worst. Cause there is nothing going on. Just time and stillness to continue to worry. I worry about death about life in general. About my kids growing up. About Mondo and his job and the struggles he goes through with it. I worry about my kids graduating and becoming respectful people in life. I just want them to be happy and successful in there own self. I worry if I will make it to all there high school graduations. Or there weddings. Oh good lord. Weddings. No. No no no can’t even think of them not living under my roof! That just can’t happen. Will I stop worrying about them?
I wake up when all are home and think I’m so lucky we are all here. No need to worry my babies are all sleeping and safe and Mondo is finally getting the rest he deserves. And then I usually turn over and either smile and hug Mondo. Or grab his hand or put my leg over his and stay awake thinking how lucky I am. If he starts snoring then I get mad and can’t sleep cause then I am busy pushing and kicking him. But I am so happy he is home at the same time.
I have those nights a lot too where I just feel something bad is going to or about to happen. Those are the worst. I can’t shake it and I feel nauseous. This happens more often than not and usually something comes out of it. No I’m not saying I’m psychic. I’m really just saying I’m probably crazy lol!
That and when my kids sleepover at friends are the worst. I don’t mind them going. I love them doing that but the older they get the more I wonder what the heck are they doing. Will they be up all night and will it affect our day tomorrow. Or is my 16 yr old anything like I was at 16. God I hope not! I wonder if my mom went through this? Man I miss her. Ok wide awake on that as well.
This is nightly. I’m pretty sure or hoping that a lot of moms can relate. I have a lot of kids to worry about here and not enough time in the day to worry and love on them. So my quiet sleeping hours are much needed.
My sleep schedule seems to be bed at 11 ish wake up at 2 back at 5 ish and up at 6:30. Although tonight was really good to be honest. Bed at 11:30 light sleeping cause of Brody’s mumbling and moving around. But I actually wasn’t wide awake until 4 AM. Wow! Sorry Mondo I wanna feel guilty but but lookiing ar Pulse Point it looks like we might have had the same amount of sleep for once!
Now time for some more cuddles and coffee!
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